Archive for the ‘Consistency’ Category

Ups and Downs

February 7, 2013

 

I’ve been fighting with these last five pounds of this 40 lb goal for a few weeks now. I can’t really complain because it is not mystery lingering weight. It is simply poor eating choices. Salt primarily. I will get within a pound or two of the goal and then eat a chips, or popcorn or overdo it on Thanksgiving… so it’s taking awhile to get back into weight loss mode.

That’s okay though. Including the pregnancy and miscarriage the fact that I’m only bouncing around in a 5 lb window is a good sign that I’m at least able to maintain my weight which I know will be the longer term goal.

Mini-Goal: 35 lbs! (Again)

January 24, 2013

 

My weight bounced around for a couple of weeks following the miscarriage. Partly due to the miscarriage, partly due to me eating poorly. I’m not sure it has stabilized, but I started tracking daily at the beginning of this week and it seems to be consistent with what I’m eating.

So, I am back at 202.8 lbs my 35 lb mark. It’s also the “no longer obese, just fat” mark. Which feels good. I never made it to the full 40 lb goal, so I’m back on track to try to lose those last five lbs of this goal.

Pregnant!

December 20, 2012

Took the home pregnancy test yesterday… and another one today… and both agree – I’m pregnant!

I’m very happy about this. My partner and I struggled for a long time to try to get through the adoption system, we haven’t given up on that but we knew we needed to think about bio-babies in case adoption didn’t work out. Then when we tried for bio-babies we found out there were complications, but fortunately it seems that this has worked out.

Of course I know a lot could go wrong from now to a live birth and beyond, but this is the first big step.

I began to suspect when I had a fairly large spike in weight, followed by an even larger drop – which is usually what happens before my cycle starts, and then there was no cycle. So we waited for a week and then took the test. I still need to confirm with my doctor and get the estimated due date.

This also means big new changes for diet. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow. I suspect because I am overweight they will see if I can gain no more than 15-20 lbs. I’ll need to know when I’m supposed to gain that weight and at what rate, and if eating the current calorie load I do now and how I do now is good for the baby.

I’ve already gained a bit of weight, but I think that’s more reflective of having a celebratory dinner last night and I think I’m safe at least for a week go to stay on the Paleo plan I was on and to try to lose those 1.2 lbs I gained.

Starting pregnancy weight: 200 lbs.

NOTE: This pregnancy unfortunately ended in a miscarriage. So, don’t get too invested in the next few posts. I figured I would leave them there since they are part of my health journey.

Mini-Goal: 35lbs!

November 15, 2012

I have been hovering just above this mini-goal for almost a week now, so I was super happy when the scale showed the loss today. My new weight is 202.8 lbs. The reward for this mini-goal is to go buy new pants – even though I don’t need them yet. I have to admit I’ve been terrible at fulfilling my rewards.

The rewards I have banked include:

222.8 lbs – New top

217.8 lbs – Hair trim

216.8 – Apple movie rental

215.8 – Eye / lip wax (and I REALLY need to get on this one)

212.8 – manicure

207.8 – pedicure

202.8 – new pants

Reaching 35 lbs though puts me in the last leg of this goal. 5 more lbs until I have lost a total of 40 lbs and I put myself under the 200 lb mark. I can do this.

Surviving the cottage – sort of.

August 30, 2012

I am back from the cottage and covered in black fly bites. Covered may be a bit of an exaggeration, but the 10+ that I have are super itchy.

To prepare I cooked all my own food in advance and brought it with me to the cottage. It was an odd experience. I did feel like a bit of an outsider with my own food. The girls brought a counter full of chips, another full of sweets, and probably at least ten times as much food as the group could actually eat. Alcohol included:

  • 32 bottles of wine
  • 2 bottles of sangria
  • 12 bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade
  • 1 case of beer
  • 2 bottles of gin
  • 1 bottle of malibu rum

At the cottage I stuck to my food and didn’t even allow myself so much as a chip, because I knew if I went there I was going to dive all the way down the rabbit hole. It wasn’t as hard as I expected. I found that being away from home for the first time since my brother passed was difficult. I had a lot of difficulty sleeping and my appetite really wasn’t present.

I did allow myself one or two drinks per day. Only wine. I was concerned about the grain in the beer and the sugars in the Mike’s Hard, and Malibu… and I simply don’t like gin.

Being an observer of the weekend more than a participant I was more acutely aware of the peer pressure these girls put on each other to eat crap. The girls, for the most part, are of average size. Some skinny, some a little plump, but I would be one of the heaviest. There is a lot of celebration about letting go of their own structured eating and diving into crap food. A lot of them complained of stomach aches, and by day three many were taking extended naps.

On the one hand I’m glad the girls have the outlet. It’s important to be able to eat without guilt. On the other hand, it gave me a fairly good reminder that my body is feeling better eating the way that I am currently eating. I don’t want to go back to a place where I am constantly craving chips, cookies and ice cream – eating them, feeling terrible and still craving them.

When I returned home and took my weight the next day not only had I not gained any weight, but I had lost another 0.2 lbs. I was very happy with myself.

… Then the next day I gained 0.6 lbs for no apparent reason. And, I reminded myself that this is not a straight arrow journey and to keep doing what I’m doing, because for the most part it is working.

Mini-Goal: 21 lbs!

August 9, 2012

I’m mid-way through my eating out week. I have my lunches out and the cottage weekend to go. However, so far so good. I just hit my 21 lb loss mini-goal and the first mini-goal in my second 20 lb goal.

I have earned myself a rental from apple TV. I still need to get a new top and have my hair trimmed from my last 20 lbs, but I did do the pedicure yesterday.

I have planned out my food for the cottage so I am hoping I can stay healthy and stick to my eating plan because I know that there will be real health consequences, not just weight gain, if I do not. And, I would of course prefer to spend my cottage weekend having fun, not chained to the bathroom (yeah TMI – sorry).

Eating Out

August 2, 2012

Eating out and trying to maintain a diet or food restrictions has always been a problem for me. I used to allow myself to be exempt from my diet when I ate in restaurants or at friends houses. That didn’t work. I then tried to guess calories and meticulously log everything I put in my mouth to the best of my ability. That was frustrating and also didn’t work.

I have a lot of anxiety around this week since I am rarely eating at home.

Saturday – Dinner out
Sunday – Lunch out & Dinner out
Monday – Lunch out & Dinner out
Tuesday – Dinner out
Wednesday – Lunch out
Thursday – Lunch out
Friday – Monday – All meals out (cottage)

My basic plan is to try to stick to the weird paleo restrictions when eating out. This will limit what I put in my body and will hopefully keep me to reasonable portion sizes, if I am careful.

My nemesis, especially on the cottage weekend will be too much alcohol, which can also lead to diving off the paleo diet.

The glimmer of hope is that I’m more than a month into doing paleo and so far it is working incredibly well for me. I do have more energy. I am losing weight without any other efforts like calorie counting or exercising. I am not full-full but I am content-full and not feeling hungry and jealous of other people’s food. This will, of course, be difficult on cottage weekend when I will be surrounded by tempting carbs and more carbs all weekend.

Wish me luck!

Frustrated

July 19, 2012

I have reached that inevitable point in any life style change, weight loss, diet, trying-to-do-something-new process where there is failure and now I am feeling frustrated by it.

It is a completely inconsequential failure, unless I let it have consequences.

After reaching my 20 lb goal, I have had an incredibly minor set back. A 1.2 lb set back to be precise.

I was prepared for this. In fact, I thought I was going to have a set back before I hit my goal since I had a whole weekend of eating out with our families. I was more than pleased when I managed to maintain through that. Then I hit my goal – yay! Happy dance! And then the next day I gained 0.4 lbs, and then another 0.4 lbs and then another 0.4 lbs and I started to lose my calm, just a little bit.

Part of it was the weight gain, part of it was that I couldn’t explain the weight gain. I was keeping within my caloric range. On day one I had come close to max calories but not over and on day three I had had some alcohol, but not more than my daily calories worth.

What bothers me most is how bothered I am by all of this.

If I am going to make this healthy change permanent and not fail yet again I cannot let myself be so distressed by a measly 1.2lb gain. I need to look at the big picture. I need to remember that there are other factors of success like how I feel, how I am fitting into my clothes, my mood and energy levels.

So, this is my confession. I let myself be frustrated by a 1.2 lb gain that will likely not matter in a month. Now, I need to go live my life and make sure I stay committed to my goals and realize this is a very small trivial matter.

GOAL: 20 lbs!

July 5, 2012

Happy to announce that this morning I reached my 20 lb weight loss goal!

Start (again): 237.8 lbs
Current: 217.8 lbs

It hasn’t all been healthy weight loss. But, I’m now convinced that I am eating regularly, and losing weight at a steady slow pace rather than through unhealthy starvation.

There aren’t too many noticeable differences with this weight loss. No one has commented or noticed that I am losing weight. My clothes fit slightly better, but I do not need smaller sizes yet, I have simply averted having to purchase larger sizes.

This 20 lbs has been “easy” weight loss. I have not felt hungry, tired or irritated. I think the shock I put my body through at the loss of my brother has a lot to do with how well I transitioned into my current eating pattern without any of these side effects.

I have been able to lose this weight without any non-digestive related food denial.

What the heck does that mean?

There are still a number of things that upset my digestive since my brother passed, and I have steered clear of those foods – and there are a lot of them. But, I have not told myself I cannot have things that I do want and can have.

The biggest changes I have made are simply to:

  • eat regularly, including breakfast
  • avoid foods I am allergic to, or that upset my digestive
  • drink water or tea if I feel hungry at an unplanned time
  • allow myself to eat more if I do feel hungry after the water or tea
  • avoid refined sugars, sugary drinks and diet artificial sugar drinks
  • track what I eat (mostly)

My reward for hitting the 20 lb mark is to go get my hair cut.

Revisiting the plan

May 3, 2012

Before the grief there was a plan slowly starting to form.

While I am comfortable being a woman of size, I am not happy with my current size and it is beginning to effect my quality of life. I am not interested in becoming stick thin again or inviting the health and psychological problems of trying to get there.

The challenge I had put before myself was to lose weight and size slowly and incrementally. I wanted to do it this way so that I could:

  • Be evaluative of each step and when I felt good and wanted to stop,
  • Ensure that the slow approach would keep the weight that I lost off,
  • Not pressure myself to lose X lbs in Y time frame and beat myself up when that didn’t happen,
  • Truly evaluate what works for my body,
  • Explore what nutrition means to me, what tastes good to eat and what feels good in my body.

There were three main tools I had set up to try to achieve this.

1. Weight loss rewards

I have never been a rewards person, but I think this may have been a mistake. There is part of me that thinks that achieving a goal should be reward enough. However, my track record tells me that this is not enough for me. So, I set up a chart with a goal of a 20 lb weight loss. I set rewards at 1, 2, 5, 10, 15 and 20 lbs. The idea was to keep myself motivated and then evaluate at 20 lbs. Decide if I felt up to going for another 20 or if I wanted to simply try to maintain for some time. In this way the parameters were either weight loss that was not constricted by time, or time for maintenance with no weight loss expectation.

2. Self acceptance monitoring

This is harder to articulate as a tool. Although I am not comfortable with my current size I am comfortable being a woman of size. I like curves, breasts, hips, tummy and softness. I am also generally happy with my life and the parts that I am not happy with I feel that I can do something to change. Part of the slow incremental weight loss needs to be a mindfulness to keep an eye on my positive sense of self.

Wading into the weight loss challenge is a good way to turn negative. To start to degrade my body and my self. Some would see it as self empowerment, but I find this is only true while success is happening. If success is not a straight road – which it rarely is – then it is easy to slide into self depreciation. Once the downward cycle begins then it is hard to appreciate any success. Small success are no longer enough, it becomes a game of the long goal in the distance that is never achieved.

To help with self-acceptance I am making sure that I keep subscribing to Plus Model Magazine, which is where I get many of my images and keep reading size acceptance blogs.

3. Paleo Diet

Through various failed diets I have realized that I do need some guidance for what I put into my body and that guidance has to be more than calorie-based. I came to the idea of trying the paleo diet not from a weight loss perspective but from the ability to help me manage some of my food allergies and still eat a well balanced diet. It also promotes local food and seasonal food as well, and helps me increase my protein intake which I know is needed.